The Unexpected

Which powers, I wonder, conjure such events?
Chaos alone can't be this powerful.
Luck, well, I don't believe in.
A supernatural being, I'm afraid, I don't believe in either.

What then?

What can turn a night where I do not wish to search, into a night where I am found?

I have been told by a very good and wise friend that I should definitely NOT think about it, and just let go.

Right.

If only I could find sleep,
or could stop bouncing between the wish to scream in happiness,
and that of shedding tears on the inevitable, eventual loss.

If only I could rewind to yesternight,
choose a different spot at the brewery,
not wish for a cigarette,
nor ask for company while smoking it.
If I just chose to stand,
or met someone else and fluttered away in chitchats.
If only my words were not what they were,
and yours were different too.
If only your eyes were not so deep,
your beauty not so radiant,
your without not such a mirror of your within.
If only I didn't ask for one more goodbye hug,
and you didn't brush your lips against mine.

Then I could erase you.

Unexpectedly I can not.
And unexpectedly I'm not my own anymore.

Thank you.